I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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