Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My vagina just recognized that song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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