4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
