I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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