he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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