I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
