I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize