wanna go halves on a baby?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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