Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
