I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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