i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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