Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Randomize
