I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
