i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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