im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just found puke in my bra..
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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