8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
