come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
