HIV tests are more positive than that guy
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
