if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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