dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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