I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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