you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish you could order shots online.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
