this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
