Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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