she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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