My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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