i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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