Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
