And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
