I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
