You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
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I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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