I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
