Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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