he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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