So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
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He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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