We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
