There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
