Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
