Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
