Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
