You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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