No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
