tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You have to summon your inner elephant
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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