We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
