Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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