I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
