What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
