I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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