Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
