We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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