PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
