M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
