I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
