then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
