sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
